Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help

Another experiment tested how willing strangers in a university laboratory were to help each other. Participants were paired up and seated at computer desks close enough that they could see each other but not the other’s computer screen. They were then tasked with, within five minutes, counting the number of instances the letter E appeared in an academic article. One partner was given too much material to cover in that time, while the other was given so little as to have lots of time left over. The overburdened participants were encouraged to ask for help, whether by asking their partners directly or by tapping the experiment instructor to ask on their behalf. As before and in the other experiments, the results indicate that people in need of help tended to underestimate how happy others were to provide it and overestimate the perceived bother involved.

“We believe those asking for help are likely to focus on the inconvenience of helping, as the help required is likely to be their primary focus,” Epley says. “Someone being asked for help, in contrast, will focus on the inconvenience of helping but will also focus on an enhanced sense of agency for being identified as someone who could provide help.” For the person being asked for help, the social connection and positive feelings of performing an act of kindness most likely outweigh the inconvenience, he says.

Zhao and Epley say the findings changed their own behavior. Zhao now proactively offers help, knowing how reluctant others are to ask. She gives the example of a recent vacation to the Muir Woods National Monument, where she offered to take photos for other visitors—even suggesting she use panorama mode to capture the full grandeur of the monument’s old growth redwood trees.

Epley no longer hesitates to reach out for help. “In some ways it’s actually unkind not to ask for help when someone would be quite willing and even happier if you did ask,” he says.